Being Accepted and Accepting Myself

When I applied for the Order of Preachers I had to write an autobiography, primarily about my spiritual history. On the front page there were two quotes. The first one read, "My sacrifice, O God, is a contrite spirit; a contrite, humbled heart, O God, you will not scorn."
On Saturday, June 2, I had my admissions boards. Three fully professed Dominicans (full members of the Order that have taken solemn vows) interviewed me. Fr. John Restrepo asked me why I had chosen this quote. I gave a long and wild answer but essentially said:
I am broken, this is all I have to give God. This gift to God he receives and responds to me with abundant grace. He not only thinks my brokenness is enough, He Himself see the gift of my brokenness as abundance.
Now, just to get to the time where I believe this with my whole heart. Oh yeah, and I was accepted into the Order. So that's just awesome.

Shalom,
Joe

Hairless and Ugly

Clumps and Curls

My feet curled up in clumps and curls

of my previous life

As it drains and swirls, my tresses, my curls

I quit

Who is is that I am? Maybe you can tell

Am I being conformed, transformed, has my

Personhood been stormed, what about my will

was I defaced

and replaced, by someone fatter

less great

who can’t relate

Or is it just hair

My immaturity is running free

Not even strangers will let me be

I am at once a spectacle, who does not want to be seen

just for looking 

normal

What was hiding, in the clumps and curls

that litter my bathroom floor

Can I dance and twirl, like I used to

Or am I just going to be ignored

Was it an external reflection of my interior design

Maybe it was just protection,

did I ever actually shine

Or was it the glitz and rings that once adorned?

Is my shackled personhood tied in tresses

related to the stresses, in the clumps and curls

that litter 

my bathroom floor

Who is that stranger in the mirror?

What does he want? Who is he for?

Just hair, my ass

Clumps and curls of matted personhood

litter my floor, 

Like Job of Old, I think He wants more

but I hope this moment of self-defeating denial, 

is fleeting, and doesn’t last

for awhile

Because that person in the mirror isn’t interesting or unique anymore

that person is clumps and curls

that litter

my bathroom floor

Lenten Promises & Mother Teresa

"To be pure, to remain pure, can only come at a price, the price of knowing God and loving him enough to do his will. He will always give us the strength that we need to keep purity as something beautiful for him." ~Blessed Mother Teresa

This lent I am joining the Angelic Warfare Confraternity which sounds a bit crazy. I have already started though. More than anything it is a prayer for chastity and for purity. I struggle with chastity and it struggles with me - I'm sure. I thought that by the time I turned 28, it would be over, but alas, I am still a man, with man-thoughts. So for lent I am going to pray with the Confraternity every morning and pray with Scripture every night and I hope and pray that the graces I receive help me in my battle toward purity. And by Scripture I mean that I will be reading the Gospel of John and the Tao te Ching.

"The unnameable is the origin of heaven and earth; named it is the mother of the ten thousand things." ~Tao 1

Oh yeah, and Momma T, why is she up there in the corner? I have found that I have let down Jesus so often with my choices that sometimes it's easy to just to say, well Jesus - I'm going to sin again. I recently have been reading a lot about Momma T and have asked her to pray for me all of this lent. Everyday at the end of praying with the Confraternity I am asking Blessed Mother Teresa to hold me in her prayers, especially when it comes to my chastity and purity. Blessed Mother Teresa, pray for us!

Shalom,
Joe

Deferment & Finding Joy

I like to think that I am a silver-lining kind of guy. That I always look for joy in the dark places, hence the clever title of this blog, wallowing in joy. Occasionally this is put to the test - and in a real way, at least as it relates to my vocation, this just happened to me. On Monday, February 13th, I found out that I am being deferred for a year. This means that I can still go to admissions boards in June, but that I will have to wait a year after that to enter. Why? Debt, and I was told it felt rushed, and ... resolutely I agree.

So - I'm looking at August 2013, which seems really far away. So that silver lining, where is it? I am coming to terms with joy of patience and the rich fruits I have received in my current job. I work as a campus minister and retreat director. My job is so fulfilling and life giving, it's a bit ridiculous. I work with the cream of the crop at a Jesuit school and they model prayer and discernment better that I may ever. If the students I minister to remind me to pray and bring me joy, why not continue this kind of work for another year? What would be lost? Staying in contact with ministry is going to be an important part of my life while discerning and always, especially as a Dominican.

So here we are, on Ash Wednesday, and my lenten goals are pretty simple ... come closer to God through contemplative prayer. That's it. I think if that goes right, the rest will fall in place. And, that year won't seem so freakin' long.

Shalom,
Joe

Retreat and Roadblocks.

In the past two months I have gone on two retreats. Well, scratch that, I have went on one retreat and ran another. The first retreat was a silent Ignatian retreat. And I must say, I love Ignatian (Jesuit) spirituality. The Spiritual Exercises are the cornerstone of the Jesuits. The retreat I went on reminded me, and sort of intensely so, that God wants me to shut up. I actually felt God saying, "Shhhhh!!!!!" (exclamation points included). God is calling me to be a contemplative, or at least to try contemplation.

The second retreat I was on was the annual Emmaus retreat. Every time I work with students in such an intimate setting I am reminded of my call, my call to ministry. I am still not sure (and I don't know what that sure-ness is) that I am supposed to be a Dominican but I know that I want to try. The Emmaus retreat is a contemplative retreat, not a silent retreat. The students I work with basically pray the weekend away. They come with some intention on their heart and they share it. I gave a reflection on table fellowship. And I basically said:

With my affinity for cooking, and more importantly my love of loving people I felt ready and good about giving a reflection, or maybe more well said, I felt ready to preach. I talked about how we are to invite everyone to the table of the Lord, and then we are to serve them. I shared a personal experience of my failure, a time when I found someone so ugly that I avoided them. Afterwards my boss told me it was one of the best reflections on the Eucharist she'd ever heard, and I think she was being serious! So Yay for that, and yay for being a retreat director. I love my job, seriously, folks, I do.

So the roadblocks, I have two that are pretty big, at least to me. The first is that I have a spotty past, at best and it makes me a bit nervous. The second, I need to pay off about $50,000 dollars in student loan debt this summer. So here's to God being bigger than my problems. Cheers.

Shalom,
Joe

The Laborers are Few

One of the struggles in discernment, leastwise for me, is coming to terms with the incredible amount of paperwork that must be done in order to enter a religious order.  Coming into this, I thought that I would say, "Yes, I want to be a Dominican Priest," and they would say, "You're in." And there would be a liturgy of sorts and off to study I would go.

Instead when offered an application I realized that I would have to dig up all sorts of information about myself, write an autobiography, undergo multiple physical and psychological exams, and ask for a number of letters of reference. I don't know why I thought it would be so easy, but, well... it ain't. Yet, I still want this for my life. I still feel pushed, or maybe pulled, to continue down the path of becoming a full-fledged O.P. member.

So, back to work I go.

Shalom,
Joe

I Hate Religion, but Love Jesus ... huh?

So this past week this  video came out, and as most the critiques were of the Catholic Church, I felt the need to respond. Hopefully I did so in loving dialogue, thought I will admit it was primarily a catechetical response to my students who so struggle with the Church. And they struggle for good reason as do I. But as a minister of the Church I felt obliged to respond, thoughtfully and with hope and honesty. I know not everyone will agree with me. (That's why I disabled comments, and YouTube commenters have a way of saying particularly nasty and cruel things). But, I hope that my response at least speaks to my students here about the joy and hope of Mass and why the Church comes together to "devote themselves to the teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer," (Acts 2: 42). Anyway, God Bless and here is my video:

Shalom,
Joe